For the last 183 days "the plan" has been to move to South Korea to teach English for a year. This year was supposed to begin in September, i.e. tomorrow.
Well, all of that planning has come to a solid halt.
Why Korea?
To be perfectly blunt, teaching English, let alone teaching in Korea, has never been a dream of mine. The whole plan of moving actually came together on the fly while I was on a walk with my good friend and neighbor, Bekah, in late February.
“So… I’m thinking about moving to Korea for a year to teach English! An opportunity just came up, and I think I wanna to go.”
Somehow this didn’t come as much of a surprise. Bekah had been one of the many International Relations majors in my Cedarville University DC Semester back in 2018. She had always had a passion and knack for anything international, so an overseas teaching opportunity that offered full immersion? Right up her alley.
At the time I had decided I was taking the year to travel, knew I was going to volunteer in Hawaii for a few months, but was still in the process of fleshing out a lot of details. After she explained how the academy worked and what the job offered I jokingly (and I mean jokingly) said, “Can I come too? Sounds incredible.” We humored the idea a bit more and finally let it rest. I had never been a teacher, and while I wanted to travel, a year long commitment in one country wasn’t really what I was looking for.
I couldn't get the idea out of my head that night, and even though I hadn’t been serious before, began to wonder what it would be like to teach overseas. I called Bekah the next morning and asked, “Okay, what if I wasn’t joking? What if I actually came with you?” To my relief, she was way more enthusiastic than I expected.
I definitely didn’t want to intrude on “her thing” though, so we agreed to take some time to think about it. I really wanted her to be sure she was okay with me pursuing the opportunity with her.
After many conversations, some Korean Chicken, and a call with the academy, we decided to go for it.
Give Me a Sign God!
It’s really easy to say “I’m moving to Korea!” The paperwork on the other hand? Not so much. Bekah and I began to work through the basic visa applications, passport issues, and plans for what this would mean for our lives and responsibilities back in the states i.e. personal belongings, jobs, leases, and pets.
Everything from paperwork to morale seemed to be going as planned up until the second month of my time volunteering in Hawaii. I was stressed about the State Department’s timeline for a document I needed to have Apostilled. Bekah and I had submitted them, with a heavy dose of confusion, a few months prior. Regularly this process would take the Department a few weeks, but due to COVID it estimated to take a few months. On top of this, doubts were beginning to creep in. I had felt so much peace about the decision at first, but something just didn’t feel right now. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I lay in bed one night and cried out in prayer, “God, if this isn’t supposed to happen, if this isn’t your will, keep the paperwork from coming through.” And I went to sleep.
Hawaii and DC have a six hour time difference, which I, and many of my friends on the East Coast, forgot about when trying to get in touch. So, at 4AM Hawaii time the next morning, I woke up to a call from Bekah. She had called the State Department to check the status of our Apostille and wanted to give me the update. The only thing I remember from the call was her saying, “the State Department rejected our paperwork. We have to start over.”
I lay there in bed knowing full well that this was exactly what I had just asked for, and said to myself, “Okay, God, maybe just one more sign.” I didn’t want to give up. I didn’t want to diverge from the plan, mainly due to the fact that I didn't have backup. So we marched on.
Lilly’s Message
During this time of indecision I was asked to share my testimony at the Kokua Crew’s Girl’s group. At the end of my sharing I talked about my confusion toward Korea. I didn’t know what God wanted from me.
One of my good friends excitedly came up to me after the group. She said while I was speaking about Korea she felt God nudging her to tell me something. I wish I remembered the message in full, but the gist was, “You don’t need to go to Korea for financial stability. God wants you to rely on Him instead. He will take care of you.”
I needed that. Unintentionally, I had been so focused on how teaching in Korea would provide a paycheck instead of focusing on if I truly wanted to move and live there or even be a teacher. Obviously, I was excited about the adventure of it all, but this message called me out on my underlying motivation for going. It really made me think about if I was trusting God with my all. Was I really letting Him guide my path if I wasn’t willing to step away from my plan out of fear of financial instability?
Four Conversations
Over the course of the next few weeks I had four conversations that were individually insignificant, but together shook me.
I had a meeting with Metui, the man who runs the Kona YWAM base’s coffee shop, the Banyan Tree Café (BTC). We were talking about the possibility of me coming to work in the café part time. He asked why I wanted to work there, and I explained some of my interests and passions. We chatted for a while, and he said, “You know, you should do this year long program I am launching. It’ll start in October.” It sounded amazing, and right up my alley too, but I was going to Korea, and that’s exactly what I told him. “Eh, maybe” he responded. Not quite what I had expected, but I laughed it off and carried on.
The base kitchen fell under new leadership a week into our stay. Cameron was a great addition and so supportive of our creative, and sometimes experimental, interests. One afternoon we were talking about my desire in serving in the café part time. As the conversation progressed Cameron stopped me and said, “You know what? There is this year-long program starting in October that you should look into! It would be perfect for you.” I said it sounded great, but that I was moving to Korea in September. Again, he laughed a little and said, “Eh, maybe.”
I loved working in the café! I was learning about an interest I had had for years, and I was able to meet hundreds of people from around campus and the world. In fact, the base affectionately calls the BTC the living room of the nations. One morning a man named Jackson came in, and we began to chat while I took his order. He led devos for the housekeeping Kokua Crew volunteers, and I had heard incredible things. He asked why I had come to Kona, and what my plans were when I left. At this point I had been feeling less and less peace about going to Korea. I shared that two people had mentioned a one-year program that they thought I would be perfect for. He listened, and I probably over shared, but he finally said, “Well, in my experience, a lot of people come here looking for answers, and I don’t think they should leave till they get what they are searching for. You’re searching, and I don’t think you’ve found it yet.” “But I’m supposed to go to Korea. That’s the plan.” “Eh, maybe.” He was the third person to say that phrase to me word-for-word. I almost cried on the spot. I felt confused, but also so at peace that God was working to answer my request for yet another sign. He prayed for me over the cash register with a line of ten or so people waiting patiently behind him. I felt like they were used to this. It was truly the most YWAM thing.
I had been working in the kitchen a while now, and Renee and I worked on inventory off and on. Through conversations she brought up a year long program she was helping to launch, and she thought I would be a great fit. I explained that I was supposed to be moving to Korea, and, you guessed it, she said, “Eh, maybe.” At this point I was pretty worn down. I had even had a conversation with Bekah about possibly backing out of Korea. She had been super understanding which I was so thankful for. I told her about what I had prayed for regarding the paperwork, but I was still waiting on a more “solid” sign. She laughed and said I was being crazy. I had clearly already gotten my sign. I just wasn't listening. She was right. I was still trying to control the situation. I eventually thought about it and finally decided to go back to Renee to learn more about the program. I finally felt open to another direction.
Ten minutes into the conversation Renee dropped a bomb I wasn’t expecting. The program had been postponed. I was shocked. I had finally reached a point where I was open to not going to Korea. I thought I had let God take control now only to find out it wasn’t even an option. Confused was an understatement.
Ultimately, I decided to look at the combination of events and take away what lessons I could. Looking back, I now have a clearer view of what was happening, but at the time I attested it all to God working on my heart to learn how to let go of my anxiety toward the future and let go of MY plan. This was one of the first times in my life I had let go and let God. The moment I fully surrendered my future, was the moment plans for Korea started to fall back into place, so maybe that was what I was supposed to get out of it? Was allowing the possibility of God changing the plan all I needed to do? I don't know, but it was incredibly freeing to feel like God was pulling the strings and not me.
A Dog
Back on the mainland and with no other options I continued to make plans to move. Paperwork was flowing, and I had an appointment set up at the South Korean Consulate in Seattle. It was all coming together. That is until Bekah called saying the person who was going to watch her dog, Remi, had just fallen through. I was now facing the possibility of going alone. It wasn’t a completely crazy idea, but it would require me to change a lot of my expectations toward the move. We agreed to think about it and try to find someone to take Remi in. It was a long shot, but we weren’t ready to give up just yet.
In the midst of this, we also agreed that one year just wasn’t going to work anymore. Six months had been offered as an option at the beginning of this journey, and it was starting to look like a better choice for both of us.
At this point I was sure I was going alone.
Thankfully, a few weeks later Bekah found a place for Remi and it felt like things were falling into place once again, but this time we were both going for only six months still starting in September.
“This is happening as long as there aren’t any other compilations. It has to be seamless from here on out, or I just don’t think it’s supposed to happen” is how we left it.
COVID
On August 1st at 7pm I got a call from Korea. It was our coordinator explaining that COVID was once again complicating matters. To condense the conversation, she explained that Bekah and I would most likely not be able to come in September and that our start date was going to be TBD possibly till March 2022. On top of this, if we were unable to leave before October 1st, we would be required to redo all of the paperwork we had been working on since February. This felt like the final door.
This was the complication Bekah and I had been holding our breath for. I took a week to think and pray and finally came to the conclusion that it was time to throw in the towel. Bekah was feeling the same, and sitting on the phone in a little coffee shop in my home town we made the final call.
Moving to Korea just didn't feel right, and at this point it didn't even feel like an option.
The Lord Will Provide
In a way the decision felt inevitable. I honestly think I knew back in April, when the paperwork first fell through, that this was how the chapter would end, but I so badly wanted MY plan to work out.
Part of me feels like a fool for not accepting the original answer God provided. Had I had ears to listen in April, I wouldn’t be mourning lost expectations now, but I also wouldn’t have this beautifully woven together example of God’s love gently pushing me in the right direction.
Ultimately, He's chosen to close this door in such a way that it can’t be opened right now, and I’m learning to accept that.
I’m sad, but more importantly, I am thankful that He gave me peace throughout this process. I've struggled with anxiety most of my life, and situations like this would have normally sent me into a tailspin, but by His grace, I had an unnatural reassurance that what would be would ultimately come to pass for good. I know relying on His strength is the only way I was able to walk through this process.
This has been a season of trusting that the Lord will provide (Jireh), and my journey toward not moving to Korea has personally been a leading example of what a life reliant on Christ can look like. Even in times when we are too blind to see, or in my case, too stubborn to listen, God is good. So, while Korea isn’t happening right now, I know He has some incredible things in store, and it’s just getting started. JIREH!
“And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. To our God and Father be the glory for ever and ever. Amen.” Philippians 4:19-20
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