I spent a lot of this past year trying to answer this question. Who am I outside of politics? Who am I outside of resume building? What do I like to do that’s just for me and not career, financial gain, or clout? What do I enjoy doing when no one and no cameras are around? Do I swim that extra mile? Explore that museum? Read a book? When I’m not trying to meet others’ expectations or ask for opinions, what do I choose?
Who am I when it’s just me?
The minute I submitted that final assignment and finished undergrad I realized that I didn’t really know the answer to this question. I had spent so much of my time in those years transitioning from childhood to adulthood working full time, and filling every extra hour with homework or the next accomplishment that would advance my career, that I think I lost track of the “me” under it all. So, when graduation came and went I was suddenly left with twenty-five (ish) extra hours in my week and a version of myself I didn’t really know anymore.
I began painting again to see if I still enjoyed the creative outlet. I, like many throughout the pandemic, bought plants and attempted to keep them alive. I realized I liked it, but I also realized I had inherited my mother`s ability to love plants to their inevitable death. I began investing in my social life and strove toward community. I thought about what life could look like if I wasn’t just living for that next promotion, raise, or job. Would I be a failure if I looked at life differently? I had thought this would be true for so long.
This led to my decision for exploration - of the world and myself.
Through those that were excited for me to take a year of travel and personal time, there were others that smiled but asked or wondered if I was going through a crisis. Maybe I was or am or whatever, but it’s been the best crisis of my life. I came to a fork in my path and I had two options. Jump into another job, probably in government, and hope it doesn’t drain me like the others had, or take a moment, meet myself where I was, and take the year I had always dreamt of and explore who I had become. I was lucky enough to be in a position to make this choice, and I think it just might have been one of the best decisions I have ever made.
Thus, 2021 became the year of me reintroducing myself to… myself.
Reflecting on my time in D.C., I realized I had let the toxic nature of the city foster inside me, I had let my life center be my work, and had let complacency run my relationship with Christ.
Instead of putting my identity into something that really had power, I gave it away to factors that were ever fluctuating. Bad day at work? “My life is falling apart.” Anything other than an A? “I’m a failure!” Miss a workout today? “I’m falling apart, and lazy, and I can’t let myself eat.” My identity lived in the highs and lows that filled each hour on the clock.
This clearly got me nowhere healthy.
I found myself reverting back to a time in my life where food, lists, working out, and that next serotonin boost were all that was on my mind. They were all areas I felt I could control with lists. This level of micromanagement of my every thought and move was no help with managing my levels of anxiety, and it was this never ending spiral.
I didn’t know who I was, so I had to control every part of my life that I could until I figured it out. Control was key. Ultimately, that’s what it all came down to - I felt like a failure (even though I was in a situation completely out of my control) and therefore, I had to feel like I had some things together. I didn’t know who I was… BUT, I knew how many calories I burned. I knew I finished everything on my list. I knew my day was organized. That was something, right? Note quite…
So, while this year was far from conventional, and I’ve had my doubts off and on about if I was insane to spend my years of savings on travel and “time off.” I also realized that this is the first year that I can think of that I stopped trying to be in control. I stepped away from the familiar, and I stopped trying to plan out the next ten years. I finally got that tattoo and those piercings (even though they might not be the most professional thing - I didn’t care). I worked to finally manage my anxiety, not just cover it up. I took steps to heal my relationship with my body, and I began to actually love and value myself not for what I did or what was on my resume, but because of who I was in Christ and who He made me to be.
And, I’ll tell you what, that’s priceless.
God has been so incredibly gracious to provide this time of healing, answered prayers, and direction. The moment I stopped trying to control every financial and future decision is the moment I was able to feel peace for the first time in my adult life. This year has been the most unknown journey I have ever been on, but it has also been the most lifegiving.
I always thought I needed to have my excel sheet for my one, five, and ten year plan (and backup plan) in order, but this year I threw it all to the wind, and God has really blessed that trust.
It. Has. Not. Been. Easy. And God and I have had weekly standing meetings to “discuss” His timing and plan. By “discuss” I mean me kicking, fighting, and crying with a touch of frustration. Amazingly, he has embraced me in my doubt and guided me through times of darkness and light with grace. Having never been one to take a step without being able to see where my foot will land, blind trust has been new, but has also pretty much been the name of the game this year. And God has really blessed and provided in response to that trust.
At the beginning of 2021 I chose to focus on the word JIREH. I wanted to view the sentiment that God will provide as more than just a phase, but as a way of living life with joy and peace in the fact that the Father is taking care of my best interest. Along the way I realized that the Father’s provision is so evident in our lives when we are looking for it, and thus, this little blog was born. While I'm still figuring out what I want to do with this platform, I know it has been a personal blessing to me to take the time to honor God by looking at the story and witness He is creating.
JIREH is real. God will provide. He always has.
So, basically:
I’m not in a crisis.
I’m more myself than I ever have been.
I like who I am and who I’m becoming.
I’m confident that even though I don’t have it figured out, God does.
I cannot wait to lean further into who God has created me to be in 2022.
GOD IS GOOD. GOD IS JIREH.
That’s a really summed up version, but yeah, it’s been a good year. I’m good.
It's remarkably easy to find our identity in earthly things, and I guarantee I will fall back into this rut more than once this year, this week, or even today, but I hope and pray as we embark on our 2022 journeys, together or apart, that we can all confidently lean into who we are in Christ more and more every day.
Blessings,
Hannah
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